[091224]
I wish people took things more seriously. After that huge fight with my mum I fucking relapsed. And now she's gonna act like nothing happened. I wish I was the twelveth child dead in the womb so I didn't have to deal with it. Maybe they weren't fit for being parents,
they should've taken God's sign after eleven of their children died. It's all on and off, they'll get mad at the tiniest thing. so fucking annoying. I have an appointment with the doctors or whatever she even is, I don't know. I should've lied on that stupid questionare and taken the pills, that way I would've died easier.
it's on the nineteenth and It feels daunting. I lied to the woman last time and said everything was weird simply because of school.
I hate crying in front of others, and if I tell the truth I'll end up crying anyways. But I want to get better, I wanna know what the fuck's wrong with me. and why no one else wants to know.
I want people to understnad. Mostly my parents, if not them, then who else do I have? I'm distancing myself from everyone so who else do I have to blame if we ever fall out with each other?
Every time I get into a fight with my parents and they say something that isn't true I can't even open my mouth to explain since I already feel invalidated. You don't know your own child and you've never made an attempt to do so.
Imagine them reading this right now, of course they'd be shocked such words could ever come out of my mouth. Yet if I do open my mouth for a rebuttal against them, tears will always fall, giving them more of a reason to come to their conclusions.
They think I'm some crazy unfeeling, cold monster. I'm not, though I too wish I was.
back
Hey...so you've made it. It's funny how the internet is a place where I can be my unapologetic self. This is reeely weird.This might just be some stupid trauma dump page or whatever, since I only document whenever nothings going right. I mean, I wanna be a bit more truthful. Actually whatever idc what anyone thinks. This whole thing was mostly for me anyways to document my 'growth' hopefully. No one's forcing u to read so if u find it weird just click off.
Hey...so you've made it. It's funny how the internet is a place where I can be my unapologetic self. This is reeely weird.This might just be some stupid trauma dump page or whatever, since I only document whenever nothings going right. I mean, I wanna be a bit more truthful. Actually whatever idc what anyone thinks. This whole thing was mostly for me anyways to document my 'growth' hopefully. No one's forcing u to read so if u find it weird just click off.
[unknown date]
I'm sure I don't want to die, despite how many times I've voiced it. But I feel like my mums just banished me to death. No one cares, they don't even try to understand. I fear if I don't kill myself I might end up killing one of them. Everyone is so loud I want to shove a knife down their throat. They're so damn loud yet they complain when they can't hear me. I'm having one of those stupid episodes again. I don't know what to call it. Withdrawal? It's horrible, I don't even like talking to my friends anymore. I've stopped making an effort. I've ignored them all over the weekend. I'm actually tired of being sorry, I'm not sorry for losing my faith in God. I hate everyone, especially them. They're the reason I've stopped believing. It's all just a blur of chores and I hate them for it. I used to love it once. Every time they give me stupid lectures about having faith in him, telling me to love him and fear him. Why should I be punished for questioning how I'm being raised. It's almost like I have a reason to hate them, yet they act like I'm the ungrateful bitch. Comparing my situation to others. If I ever make it alive I'm leaving everyone behind.I am being raised in a slaughterhouse of the mind and body wherein the cycle will never end unless this bloodline comes to an end or I turn even colder than everyone makes me out to be and cut off this life. I don't care how they think I percieve things, because after all, it's their assumption. At the end of the day they don't even know their own daughter.
I'm sure I don't want to die, despite how many times I've voiced it. But I feel like my mums just banished me to death. No one cares, they don't even try to understand. I fear if I don't kill myself I might end up killing one of them. Everyone is so loud I want to shove a knife down their throat. They're so damn loud yet they complain when they can't hear me. I'm having one of those stupid episodes again. I don't know what to call it. Withdrawal? It's horrible, I don't even like talking to my friends anymore. I've stopped making an effort. I've ignored them all over the weekend. I'm actually tired of being sorry, I'm not sorry for losing my faith in God. I hate everyone, especially them. They're the reason I've stopped believing. It's all just a blur of chores and I hate them for it. I used to love it once. Every time they give me stupid lectures about having faith in him, telling me to love him and fear him. Why should I be punished for questioning how I'm being raised. It's almost like I have a reason to hate them, yet they act like I'm the ungrateful bitch. Comparing my situation to others. If I ever make it alive I'm leaving everyone behind.I am being raised in a slaughterhouse of the mind and body wherein the cycle will never end unless this bloodline comes to an end or I turn even colder than everyone makes me out to be and cut off this life. I don't care how they think I percieve things, because after all, it's their assumption. At the end of the day they don't even know their own daughter.